I can't do anything without hurting someone I know. Every decision I make has unintended consequences, and I'm starting to learn that I have to think before I act. A lot of these unintended consequences are excruciatingly painful for me.

And I'm expecting to be able to go back to school and maintain my bad decision making process. Maybe I should just spontaneously combust now and solve my problem later. Or maybe I have to start looking before I leap. I can't keep doing this to myself or I won't have anyone at all. I'm already miserable, and things managed to hold together from my last mistake. I just have to start my relationship of 14 months all over again, and I don't even know if it's worth it to continue yet... well, at least not all the way.

Because all our relationship is about is seeing who can hurt whom the worst, and if I've done this damage, I'm almost afraid to know what he's done to me. And I know there's something he's not telling me, he was hinting about it pretty hardcore last night but he wouldn't tell me just what.

But I think I already know anyway and I don't know.